Early in my efforts to research healthy marriage I came across John Gottman's  four no nos. Contempt, conflict, and stonewalling all resonated for me. I was familiar with how they sabotaged my own relationships, even as I was using them. But he had a fourth. Defensiveness. 

 

I was defensive about that. 

 

Aren't there legitimate reasons to protect myself? Sometimes harsh words come flying and I need to duck, or deflect. Over the next few years of talking about what he calls the Four Horsemen I begrudgingly included it. He does after all have an impressive record for predicting marital failure based on a brief observation of any couple interacting. Defensive words are included in his assessment. 

 

The word enmity is not in my word cloud. You know, those graphics that picture the frequency of usage. But recently John pointed out that it is related to the word for enemy. When we succumb to enmity with the people we love, we are casting them as the rival. Defensiveness slips in here too. It wobbles on the three legs of mistrust, revenge, and whatever word exists that is the opposite of giving the benefit of the doubt. Sadly, the first marriage in the Bible drank its poison. As did the first band of brothers.

 

There are antidotes. Curiosity calms me, like warm tea with lemon. 

 

"I wonder why he said that?"

 

"Maybe there is more to the story."

 

"I wonder what would happen if I hugged her? Or smiled?"

 

Vulnerability helps too. Even though it is counter intuitive, I have seen a single sentence of self disclosure release armor to clatter at my ankles. Which is where the dust and snakes are. 

 

“Because you have done this,
You are cursed more than all cattle,
And more than every beast of the field;
On your belly you shall go,
And you shall eat dust
All the days of your life.
 And I will put enmity
Between you and the woman,
And between your seed and her Seed;
He shall bruise your head,
And you shall bruise His heel.” Genesis 3