The couple that we were meeting with had texted about the need to talk. Both of them had strong sensitivities about an issue, and were willing to invite us in to jiggle the log jam. That kind of receptivity to outside influence is in itself a miracle. The thread out of the labyrinth.
We began with a check in, which landed them in the room. Barely. Then were appreciations, and the frost began to melt. John gave a spiel about boundaries, using ideas gleaned from several sources.
Which brought us to the heart of the evening. Five yeses is a tool we were gifted from my aunt and uncle, the ones who plowed the way into marriage education.
Each of them made a statement, short enough to be reined into a few sentences, but long enough to contain the passion. Then the other asked questions around it until they garnered five yeses.
This is a twist from the well grooved pattern of back and forth arguing. It evokes curiosity, that age old antidote to stonewalling. Because the whole premise was new, they needed help coming up with questions. We smiled a tad. Laughed a little. Softened around the sharp corners. There were a few nos but hey they teach you something too. Some preconceptions lost their vice grip, and both of them came a few steps closer to understanding. Sixty minutes well spent.
For my closing thought I gave a commercial for mirroring.
"Just because you were in the chair when your partner was talking it is easy to assume that they know you heard them. But expressing their feelings back in one sentence can bring sweet reassurance. 'It sounds like you are upset, and you really care about this. Is that right?' can seem forced. But it can also be evidence that you listened well."
It is sixty seconds well spent.
