I watched Lady and the Tramp when I was little. But most of the plot is a blur. I recall a shared spaghetti noodle. Benjamin's fascination with the life of dogs continues, and the video played in the background while he texted his sisters. I asked him questions, more to stay connected than to clarify the characters. 

 

"Is the one singing now a junk yard dog or a family one?" 

 

"Family."

 

"Does Tramp change in the movie?" Ben is a fan of personal development. He elaborated on this. 

 

I went back to the podcast I was listening to, which was an interview of Esther Perel by Dax Shepherd. She was describing how expectations around marriage have shifted in recent years. 

 

She claims that it used to be a contract within society, for clarifying our roles. We had less freedom to break norms, but in recent years we have bartered familial structure for anxiety. Self doubt has surged in the vacuum created by an absence of constructs. Historically there was less room for doubting our life's partnership, either because our parents picked them for us or we had no expectations that it would be anything close to perfect. Marriage was a way to fit into community, raise children, provide economic safety, and embed us into the calendar and rituals that have existed over thousands of years.

 

Today the stakes have skyrocketed. Our spouse is supposed to be our best friend, constant companion, coparent, passionate lover, soul mate, financial supporter, intellectual equal, confidant, and catalyst for helping us become the best version of ourselves. All this from someone who is only a few steps into their own journey toward self actualization. If we fail in any of these areas, the message we internalize is that we are not enough. Or they aren't.

 

We have required a single person, albeit a crucial one, to fill all the roles that a well knit society once did. Whereas a young woman used to turn toward her mother and aunts and sisters for advice and conversation, now she may believe that her husband should devote hours to listening to her. Maybe some do, bless them. 

 

Esther posits that marriage has become the aspect of your life that defines you, while also widening the gaps between us such that we feel isolated. The current pandemic has only amplified that. We are frightened to even touch each other, or walk through each other's back doors. 

 

I am still mulling over her words. Some work for me. Others don't. But I notice that at the end of Benjamin's movie, Tramp chooses to become a family dog.