There are no parties on my calendar. This does not jive with past Decembers, and I am noticing the loss. Of course I have an abundance of holiday movies to watch, and felting projects to dive into. As a last resort I could also clean the house. 

 

I am reminded of Eeyore, whose birthday was somewhat overlooked until Piglet and Pooh fetched a red balloon and jar of honey to gift him. Unfortunately Piglet, in his haste, tripped and fell on the balloon, popping it. Pooh walked more slowly, but in his distracted way began to enjoy the honey, and only realized when he arrived at Eeyore's home that the jar was empty. So it was that the two gifts Eeyore received were a shriveled up balloon, and an empty jar. And yet he was able to think of them differently... a Useful Pot to Put Things In, and a spent balloon to put in it. 

 

In the void left behind of cancelled events where everyone pulls out their cheery cherry sweaters and elf hats, I am offering a modest list of alternate definitions. They were concocted by some humorist who also is staying at home. Maybe you can add to the collection. 

 

Coffee- The person upon whom one coughs. 

Flabbergasted- Appalled at how much weight you have gained. 

Abdicate- To give up all hope of having a flat stomach. 

Negligent- To accidentally answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph- To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle- A gross, olive flavored mouthwash with germ fighting properties. 

Flatulence- An emergency vehicle that picks you up after being run over by a steamroller. 

Balderdash- A rapidly receding hairline. 

Rectitude- The formal, dignified bearing taken by a proctologist. 

Frisbeetarianism- The belief that when you die your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there. 

Ramification- The act of turning things into male sheep.

iLand- Small, private country sold by Apple.