The Gottman Institute has identified what they call The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are toxic responses that are almost always fatal in a relationship. I consider it progress that more people seem aware of these no nos than they were twenty years ago when we first heard about them. The fact that John Gottman claimed to be able to predict with 96% accuracy whether you would divorce, based on a five minute interaction caught my attention. Kept it for two decades in fact. 

 

But not until today was I aware of his suggestions for the antidote. I mean I got that not being critical, or contemptuous, or defensive, or resorting to stonewalling was the objective, but sometimes having a plan of what to do instead comes in handy. 

 

A soft start up is a way of communicating without slinging arrows. 

 

"I feel lonely when you travel for work. I love to spend time with you." 

 

rather than

 

"You never consider my needs. If you did you wouldn't have taken this job."

 

A culture of appreciation is one in which contempt cannot breathe. It swivels not only the person listening, but more crucially, the one speaking. 

 

"I appreciate how you brought me coffee when I was falling asleep at my computer. I love how you tickled our daughter after her bath."

 

If your mouth- and brain-are focused on gratitude it leaves no space for fault finding. 

 

Defensiveness is appropriate when you are playing street hockey. But when you are in the living room with the person you promised to love forever, it gets clunky. Take the helmet off. 

 

"I hear that what I did hurt you. I am sorry. Can you help me remember that you feel left out when I spend more time with my brother than with you?"

 

Stonewalling ran deep for me for a long time. I finally recognized that for my father, getting in the car and driving away when my mother was spooling out of control was the best he could do. For him in their Gordian knot of mental illness it was more chivalrous to disappear than to stay and fight. But for John and me, there are other options. Taking a break, not as punishment, but to lower your heart rate and come back again, can lead to a healthier outcome than pummeling through a conflict.