Les and Leslie Parrot are marriage educators. They have authored a stack of books, some of which are on my shelves. I first heard them speak at a conference about mentoring, and later when they discussed tools for communication. I still have the DVDs, though I lack a device to listen. 

This month I bought the opportunity to hear them again on a virtual event. They spoke about the research on how conflict in a relationship can lead to intimacy if you keep it clean. 

COOPERATION is a boundary that holds you both on the same side of the net. When you work together against the issue, be it financial strain, or the good of your children, cooperation protects you from blaming one another. When our youngest son is acting out, teasing out which of us forgot to give him his pills is futile. 

OWNERSHIP is essential for healthy resolution. If we prop up blinders to our own part in the disagreement, it leads to division rather than cohesion. I recall a time we went to family therapy and the counselor asked what my part was in the problem. My part? I was here to fix my kid. 

RESPECT is the antithesis to contempt. The Parrots live near the Gottmans in Seattle, and referred to the latter's work in identifying that poison to strong marriage. Those two qualities cannot breathe the same air, and if I have to choose, which I guess I do, I will go with respect. 

EMPATHY is the golden rule in all things relational. Sometimes I wonder if it is the well disguised reason for all heart ache. When our time on this planet goes from observing the failings of others to carrying their hurts with compassion, the light begins to break through.