Marriage Moats- Sliding vs Deciding

Published: Sat, 07/07/12

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

Cohabiting has increased by 1500%. It is a dramatic social change, and one that does not appear to be going away soon.

Yet if couples think it is insurance against marital break up, they may do well to do their homework. One of the essential characteristics that divides marriage from cohabiting is commitment. Couples who move in together often say "it kind of just happened." Scott Stanley coined this as sliding vs deciding.

In an article that appeared recently in The New York Times Meg Jay describes it in terms of economics.

Too often, young adults enter into what they imagine will be low-cost, low-risk living situations only to find themselves unable to get out months, even years, later. It's like signing up for a credit card with 0 percent interest. At the end of 12 months when the interest goes up to 23 percent you feel stuck because your balance is too high to pay off. In fact, cohabitation can be exactly like that. In behavioral economics, it's called consumer lock-in.

One of the women interviewed for the article described the difference in allegiance between her and her partner. She wanted them to be headed to the alter. He was more ambivalent.

"I felt like I was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife," she said. "We had all this furniture. We had our dogs and all the same friends. It just made it really, really difficult to break up."

God may seem harsh when he makes rules with clear boundaries. But the longer I look at them the more I believe it is from inexhaustible love.

Photo by Joy Feerrar

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