(If you want to hear Lori read this story click)here

 

 

John wrote an article about how women are often lassoed by fear while men are hijacked by shame. This fits with what I know about women being grounded in love and connection, while men thirst for respect for their wisdom. When women feel an absence of love, they are vulnerable to fear. When men experience a lack of respect they feel ashamed. It helped me make sense of some of the riptides that thrash around inside our marriage.

 

Although I can discourse today about fear with aplomb, the record shows that when I feel scared, paralysis arrives like a flash flood. John, too, usually a man of composure and balance, freezes at the mention of a time when the wraps of self assurance were yanked off. This could include filing taxes, losing his lost wallet, or a poor choice from thirty years ago. I may not be as astute at self reflection as I allow myself to believe, but those kinds of infractions do not disable me. They stick in my craw, but in contrast to when I am afraid, I can keep plodding. The reverse is also true for us. When John is afraid, like the time he chased down the ambulance carrying two of his children, he still functions. This comes in handy.

 

Here is a list compiled by Steven Stosny and Pat Love who wrote How to Work on Your Marriage Without Talking About It

25 ways to make a woman anxious

€ Ignore her
€ Tell her what to do
€ Be short with your answers
€ Tune out her feelings
€ Stonewall her
€ Take her for granted
€ Limit or criticize her spending
€ Tell her to stop worrying
€ Tell her she's making too much of it
€ Tell her to get over it
€ Tell her she talks too much
€ Complain about her weight
€ Criticize her family
€ Withdraw or shut down
€ Yell or get angry
€ Pout or sulk
€ Threaten to quit your job
€ Flirt with other women
€ Don't know her dreams
€ Tell her she's just like her mother
€ Complain about her girlfriends
€ Give her the cold shoulder
€ Dismiss her ideas
€ Sound like you're trapped in the marriage
€ Buy a sports car

25 ways to stimulate shame in a man

€ Exclude him from important decisions
€ Correct what he says
€ Question his judgment
€ Give unsolicited advice
€ Dismiss his opinion
€ Imply inadequacy
€ Make unrealistic demands of his time and energy
€ Overreact
€ Ignore his desires
€ Focus on what you didn't get, rather than what you got
€ Withhold praise
€ Use a harsh tone
€ Be abrupt - spring things on him
€ Undermine his wishes
€ Condescend
€ Criticize his personality
€ Disrespect his work
€ Show little or no interest in his interests
€ Criticize his family
€ Interpret, psychoanalyze, or diagnose him
€ Make comparisons to other men
€ Focus on your unhappiness
€ Put friends before him
€ Value others' needs over his
€ Rob him of the opportunity to help