Marriage Moats-Your Turn to Talk
Published: Fri, 02/17/12
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 People sometimes write to me about the insights they have that make a difference in their lives. What moves me most, is that they are willing to look deeply, to show up and to change. This is what some of them have to say.
"Only one of us gets to be grumpy at a time."
"There should be permanent crevices in your tongue from things unsaid."
"It astounds me how much he needs my approval, and how soft he becomes when I give it."
"I realized that everyone around me loves my husband. They think he is funny, smart, and a good friend. So what is wrong with me that I keep finding fault?"
"I had to make a new rule for me about a month ago. I'm not allowed to
bring up events during an argument that are over a year old. I use the past to try and prove he can not
change...he has changed soooo much but when my feelings are hurt I
refuse to admit it. It is so toxic to our marriage for me to rehash
stuff that is 16 years old and has no relevance to today. It has helped a
lot. My hope is eventually I'm not allowed to bring up anything over a
week old. People change and we have to stop making them pay for things
they did before they chose to make better choices." "Having been married before I realize that I brought my failings into my new marriage. Sometimes I wish I had stuck it out in the old one and made it work." "My big marriage thought for the day: Sex really is the answer. Well. It's a big part of the answer anyway. I figured if I could make three meals a day happen then I could initiate sex twice a week. And guess
what I get for my trouble? A happy hubby. It's a lesson I have to keep
learning."
"Sometimes he looks at me when I want to talk and I can see him thinking, 'What again? We did that yesterday.' It sheds a new light on how I sometimes feel when he wants to cuddle... again."
"He thanked me for sticking with him through thin."
"As my father always says, 'Expectations are predetermined resentments'."
"I was at a wedding last night and was struck by how grateful I was to be
in the marriage club. Many of the speakers warned the couple, 'It will
get hard, but we are all here for you.' My eyes welled up with tears at
the thought of this beautiful statement. At the same time I was moved by
the statement I knew it was a lie. I knew tomorrow we will all go about
our daily lives and leave them to figure it out...or not. I wish we
could do more for each other. I just wanted to again thank you for doing
what you do for the couple last night, and for all married couples. I
wonder if you ever feel, as you write, whether it makes a
difference. It does. Hearing you say you wash your words before you
speak helps me, and I'm sure others."
Photo by Jenny Stein
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