Marriage Moats-Sledding
Published: Sun, 11/27/11
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 (If you want to hear Lori read the story click)here
One distinction between people who eagerly bound outside on a snowy day, and those who grumble at the drifts through the window, is the ownership of a good sled. Cross country skis too can transform a foot of powder from a curse into a blessing.
I remember taking parenting classes at night when our kids were young, and wanting to put the new tricks to work ASAP. But when John and I got home, the kids were sound asleep. I briefly considered waking them up and encouraging them to be naughty, just to see if I could handle it more deftly than I had that afternoon.
One workshop I took in the eighties was based on the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors had six children between them, which seemed like a lot to me at the time. They had suggestions like writing down what your child says, and reading it back to them. This was a watershed moment. I began to look forward to conflicts, just so I could exercise fresh strategies.
Another well used tactic was first-short-second-long. One kid got the Desired Object first, for a brief time, and the patient kid was rewarded with a longer turn. It greased the squeaky wheels of many inter familial negotiations.
Sometimes marriage is the landscape for cross purposes. We balk at the inconvenience of listening to our partner's ideas when we have a wealth of our own. Perhaps taking a course or reading a book about communication is as clever a move as springing for new ski boots, especially if you happen to live in Vermont or Aspen. Well fitting bindings make it easier to get down the slopes without an injury, and the acquisition of well designed rules for conversation can change an out of control downward spiral into smooth sailing. "Did I understand you to say that you would greatly appreciate it if I would stop slurping my soup at the dinner table, especially when we are at a five star restaurant with your boss?" Photo by Joy Feerrar
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