My mother was not a fabulous driver. She usually kept one foot on the brakes and one on the gas. This made for mixed messages to the engine.

 

"Go!!"

 

"Stop!"

 

My father tried to change her habits but it was futile. She had conflicting feelings about being on the road at all, and it showed up in her feet. She wanted to get somewhere but she was timid about the dangers around every corner. Being a passenger with her was dicey.

 

The other day I was talking with a young man whose parents divorced. He was grappling with trying to respect them as people yet feeling angry about their choices. 

 

"Sometimes my mom would try to make things better, and sometimes my dad did, but it never seemed to be at the same time."

 

I know next to nothing about internal combustion engines but I think the timing matters. If the little explosions happen at the wrong point in the cycle, all you get is noise and fumes.

 

One of the ways to get the best mileage out of your marital engine is to agree about when you are going to work on it. I know, I know, if you are stalling and backfiring in your relationship it is no picnic to agree. But it is worth a try. 

 

It can be that you make a list of a few things you will each do to make things better. One of my character flaws is a tendency to multitask. Sure, John is making progress at coming home on time but if I make too big a fuss about that when he is also forgetting to take out the trash I will miss a learning opportunity...

 

Huh? You think not?

 

One of the more helpful parenting books I read said to pick two things and two things only to pay attention to. That was a turning point for me. It gave me a way to get somewhere. Instead of mixed messages like "Go!" "Stop!" I was looking for motion in a limited area. My child and I could manage that much of an agreement. It also hobbled my wagging tongue when some other travesty showed up.