The other day I was speaking with a friend who had figured something out. Her parents, still living, had given a big chunk of their attention to their marriage as she was growing up. She noticed that she had chosen to give a larger portion of time to her young children. Her husband's father on the other hand had died when he was young, so he grew up watching his mother be alone. He was often urging his wife to pay more attention to him than she already was.

 

This has been a source of conflict for years. She felt like they could wait until the kids were a little older, and he had an unspoken fear that waiting could be a mistake. Neither of them were wrong. Both of them were responding from their own experience.

 

Giving attention to your young children is a splendid thing. Making time for your marriage is also a wise plan. It can be a juggle to pull both of them off. What touched me most was this woman's ability to climb out of her own world view long enough to see life from her husband's eyes. That takes empathy. Sometimes we are reluctant to do so, because it may invalidate our own stance. But two sides of an issue can actually be a fuller picture. If you have ever tried to drive with one eye shut you know what a handicap it is. Depth perception is gone. Peripheral vision suffers drastically.

 

Her perception did not make the issue disappear. But it did unlock some of the underlying currents. That can be helpful. She may or may not give voice to her husband about what she realized. But the compassion will soften her actions in a way that may foster compromise. 

 

We sometimes think we married one person, and that his or her past has no influence. But we are more prudent to look at those pasts, and unpack the ways they continue to influence us now. 

 

Because family patterns determine how you start out, but they do not have to predict where you end up.