Marriage Moats-Thunder Boy

Published: Tue, 08/09/11

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

My son Benjamin hates thunder. When lightening strikes he often spirals into screaming, and curses "Thunder Boy" for scaring him.

For years I added my own flammable ingredients to the fire by being upset that he was upset. He could not stop the noise and I could not stop Benjamin. It was ugly.

But after awhile I figured out that there was one thing I could control. Me. Now I watch him shake his fists at the sky through a kind of emotional scrim. Astonishingly, his tirades are shorter.

Albert Ellis, in his Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, identified a number of dysfunctional beliefs that people often hold. One of these is that "It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be." Another is that "If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring." 1.

I remember feeling helpless and hopeless about Benjamin's behavior. It was definitely awful and terrible. He had to stop in order for my life to work the way I wanted. He was excessively concerned about the possibility of thunder and I was similarly preoccupied with his outbursts.

But now I notice that his reactions are just temporary, like the nimbus clouds floating by. Benjamin, to my mind, wastes a lot of time being anxious about storms. He rants for half an hour when the actual crashing sounds last perhaps five seconds. I too was wasting a lot of time being worried about the tantrums: before, during and after they transpired.

Sometimes in marriage we expend gobs of energy wishing our spouse was different. We label it as awful and terrible that they are not the way we very much want them to be. But maybe their behavior would have less impact on us if we could draw up a gauze curtain and observe them more calmly.

I am not promising anything, but maybe Thunder Boy would get bored and go find another kid to roar at.

1. http://changingminds.org/explanations/belief/irrational_beliefs.htm

Photo by Jenny Stein

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