Marriage Moats-Brick Wall, Window or a Door?
Published: Fri, 08/05/11
| Marriage Moats | Caring for Marriage |
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 We have heard Michele present
several times, and she has a lot to say. She is a fast talking, witty
woman with decades of experience and she says she has seen every
possible problem in her practice. I think I believe her. "Yeah, yeah I know it's hard. Let's start changing it."
She begins by debunking a lot of myths, like good couples never argue, major disagreements get resolved over time, both partners will have the same idea of what love feels like, and people can "fall out of love". All of these potholes can catch us when we are not looking, and make us slip. Michele has a startling answer for her clients who claim to have fallen out of love.
"When you first got married if someone said to you that in a number of years you would fall out of love, you would not believe that person. Your positive feelings for your partner at that time would have prevented you from even entertaining the possibility that love would die. Well the same is true in reverse. Your current negative feelings are blinding you to the possibility that you will ever feel different again." p 55 I
know as a new mother I was devastated the first hundred times my child
said "I hate you Mommy!" Once a nursling added, "I hate you Mama, can I
nurse?" After awhile I realized that those feelings, however genuine
they seem at the time, are no more real than the sunrise. It sure is a
convincing production... the sun slides up the horizon, in a splash of
golden and rosy rays after having deserted me. It was gone, unavailable... but oops it was really me that turned away.
A friend told me, "If you are feeling far away from God, guess who moved." Sometimes
when I am feeling far away from my partner it is me who has built a
wall around myself of self righteous arguments, resentment, self pity
and blame. The walls come crashing down in the face of compassion,
laughter, forgiveness and touch.
Some of the seven steps are:
I might have doubted that the average miserable wife could NOT know what she wants, until I watched a video where the relationship coach asked a wife what she wanted from her husband that no one else could give her. She fumbled. She stalled for time. She named some vague things like love and acceptance, that he dismissed as being qualities she already got from her family and children. This angry, sarcastic wife was suddenly mute in front of 2000 listeners, and most importantly, her husband. She did not know what she wanted from him, and realized how slim his chances were of hitting an invisible target. The experimenting idea
is intriguing. Some of the suggestions for shaking up a bad combination
of reactive behaviors are: don't be home when your spouse arrives, don't
ask any questions about his/her whereabouts, instead of being angry as
usual, act pleased to see your spouse, and make your spouse wonder about
you.
Michele invites the reader to make his/her own list of surprising possibilities to replace the "more of the same behaviors" we have perfected. She gives great examples of how humor can lighten an impasse. She explores the different modes of communication. Sometimes
we are too stuck to speak to each other. That would be a good time to
try calling, or texting, or email, or lipstick on the shower wall, or a
voicemail at work, or skywriting.
I like that Michele ends with a chapter called,"Expect the Impossible". Surely the One who brought us together will move heaven and earth to keep us married. We just need to look in His direction. Photo by Andy Sullivan
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