Marriage Moats-Repair Attempts
Published: Sat, 06/11/11
| Marriage Moats | Caring for Marriage |
 I began my marital career, like many people I suppose, with the belief that I would be able to circumvent all conflicts. Our love was so encompassing, there would be no need to clean up any arguments. I notice that when I was in college I also embarked on a rather ambitious trip, 100 miles across Iowa on a bicycle, without a patch or tool kit. I made it intact, but not because I was prepared. Most people have insurance, a fire extinguisher and a spare tire. These precautions are not the fallout of a pessimist, but the wisdom of a realist. Research shows that happiness in marriage is not necessarily linked to a lack of noisy interchange. Some couples who describe themselves as satisfied are feisty in their fighting. Other couples who never argue quietly split. One of the accurate measures of a successful relationship is the couple's agility with repair attempts. In asking people about their methods of getting back on track after a disagreement , I have noticed that some of the most skilled husbands and wives are not very aware of their own ability. It takes some reflection to track what has become second nature. They do it and continue to do it, because it works. But repair attempts are learnable just like fire extinguishers are for sale at your local hardware store. Here are a few ways that couples release the tension that comes up in daily difficulties.
Perhaps you had fire drills in school when you were young. You
practiced what you would do in an emergency because you probably
wouldn't be operating on full brain power if there were actually a fire.
Anyone who has ever flown knows the monologue about oxygen masks by
heart. It can be time well spent to go over a plan for when all reason
flies out the window.
Without knowing you personally, I feel safe in
predicting that in the next week you or your honey will ignite a little
fire of feelings that, left unchecked, could leave one of you burned.
Take some time together to talk about ways that can extinguish those
outbursts while they still respond to baking soda. Photo by Jenny Stein
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