Our son Lukas used to have a tendency to get angry. I read a scad of parenting books looking for answers, like The Difficult Child. He took a black marker and crossed out Child and wrote Parent. 

 

One of the truly helpful things I learned from it was to pick a single thing I wanted to change. I easily fell into overwhelm, when there were a myriad of conflicts flailing around on any given day. It gave me permission to let other things slide while we were working on eradicating hitting. I believe it also lessened the confusion for my son. It is tricky to even notice progress when you are tracking fourteen different behaviors. No doubt I missed many chances to celebrate small successes. 

 

Those were hard years, yet looking back it seems like part of the path to get where we are now. I sometimes wonder what level of compassion I would be capable of if I had never truly scraped bottom. Besides, without those memories branded on my heart, there would be no exquisite joy from healing.

 

On my forty fifth birthday, this young man surprised me by flying from California, arriving at my door at eight in the morning. He had not yet met his twin sisters, and seeing him nonchalantly walk in to hold me and them was more bliss than I deserve for a year. But God is not limited by human portion sizes, so later that weekend when our four year old who also had a penchant for tantrums starting swinging, Lukas bent his six foot frame down to meet Benjamin's gaze.

 

Perhaps there are a swirl of reformations you want in your marriage. One minute you are squawking about the dishes, another you are whining about the VISA balance. I know I have. John has been able to articulate what this feels like.

 

"I am fixing the computer, which you asked me to, and now you are demanding that I hurry up and pay those bills. I can't do both at once."

 

Maybe people respond better to smaller increments of change. 

 

Go ahead and make a list, but make sure the paper is only the size of a postage stamp. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Rhys Asplundh

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