There is a story in the book Conjugial Love that describes the entrance into spiritual life. Six groups of people were invited to enjoy what they imagined eternal happiness to be.

 

The first bunch of people were convinced that simply getting into heaven would bring unending bliss. One party of newcomers believed that lasting joy could be found in luxurious gardens, while a different group was convinced that stimulating conversation would make them happy. Another contingent was sure that heaven was a place of continual feasting and entertainment. Still others held that heaven consisted of great wealth and power, or perpetual worship.

 

Each faction had a chance to experience uninterrupted time to wander among garden paths, or dine extravagantly, to sit on a throne holding a a scepter, or pray and listen to sermons. Yet all of them quickly reached a saturation point for that activity. The newcomers eventually beat against the doors, and begged to be released. The guards, continuing the ruse, would not allow them to leave, and insisted that the people eat more food, continue their conversations or just pray harder. 

 

I find it intriguing that this story begins a book on marriage. Perhaps it is an allegory for how people think of happiness in relationships.

 

"She is so beautiful!"

 

"When I marry the man of my dreams, I will be happy."

 

"She cooks delicious meals for me, and we have fun together."

 

"When we are married she will respect my leadership."

 

"We share our religious beliefs. What more do we need?"

 

These thoughts can affect our expectations about what married life will be like. Yet for most people, these joys fade over time. Conversation and shared fun are wonderful embellishments to a satisfying marriage, but they are not the tap root of real happiness.

 

Often when we ask couples in a marriage group to describe something they love about their spouse, the answer is about serving others. 

 

"The way he plays with our children just makes me love him more."

 

"She is incredibly generous about entertaining my family, and making everyone feel welcome."

 

"He is a hard worker. He puts in extra hours, and really cares about his patients."

 

"She works with teenagers, and makes a big difference in their lives."

 

Loving your spouse for the way they serve others and do their job with integrity brings the kind of joy that lasts. It creates a marriage that is even better than your dreams. 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Andy Sullivan

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