One of the strategies we used with inter familial turmoil involved restitution.

 

When Child A whacks Child B, Child B usually starts wailing, and Child A is given The Lecture. I noticed after awhile that this resulted in giving more attention to the offender than the offendee.

 

Hence "Nice Things" was instituted. Now when Child A hurts Child B, Child B becomes the focus with the question, "What nice thing do you want Child A to do for you?"

 

There was an immediate shift, as Child B got down to the business of exerting power.

 

"Well, I want you to make me a throne of quilts and pillows, and bring me juice. With a straw. And crushed ice."

 

Then Child A, who apparently suffers from surplus energy or why else would he be whacking people, rises to the task of throne maker and beverage server. 

 

It worked. Child A had a chance to make amends in a playful way and Child B stepped out of being a victim. They both won.

 

Gary Chapman of Five Languages fame, also wrote a book about apologies. He suggests that one of the unsung elements of an apology is to offer to make things right. Saying you are sorry is a good beginning. Asking how you can restore the relationship goes farther.

 

It works for me. One time I was angry at someone, but I was not exactly sure what was fueling it. She was perceptive enough to notice and starting asking questions. She posed a string of possible responses, which I tried on for size. Nope, they did not fit. Then she tried one more.

 

We both won.