When I was a little girl I drove with my Aunt Donny to Michigan. I was in the front seat, because why would I sit alone in the back? Then somewhere around Pittsburgh we went through a tunnel and when it suddenly got dark I leaped into her lap. Miraculously she managed to keep from crashing, and we emerged into the sunlight on the other side. 

 

When John was young his family took a road trip in their VW bug. His mother held the baby in her lap and his younger brother sat by her feet. John, his aunt and two more kids were in the back with the dog, and in the little cubby behind that seat were his two older brothers.

 

My own grandmother, who had twelve children of her own, drove a car that was missing one door because she did not have the means to replace it when it fell off. I guess my mother and her sibs learned to hang on to each other around corners. Or if they ever fell out she was going slowly enough that they didn't mind. 

 

I taught third grade before I was married and often took my seven students places with me in my '65 Mustang.

Anyone under the age of thirty might find these stories incredulous and irresponsible. Yet there were no seat belts back then, much less pricey Graco Snug Rides. It is not as if bad things never happened. Aunt Syl and her friends were in an accident that landed her in the hospital for six months. Her own seven children were parceled out to other families, and the only time she saw them was when they sneaked into the hospital on Christmas. 

 

Having children without the commitment of marriage is like driving without a seat belt. The practice has increased sharply in the past few decades. Some people over the age of forty find this incredulous and irresponsible. Social scientists try to find ways to understand this unprecedented shift in what they have coined "a human universal".1.

 

"What is astonishing is how few people stopped to consider what unmarriage meant for children." 3. Marriage provides protection from both poverty and absent fathers. Children in two parent families fare better in every way we can find to measure.

 

Yesterday I was talking with a woman whose marriage had been frustrating and lonely for her two years ago. I tried to support her in small ways these past twenty four months, by encouraging her, listening to her, giving her things to read and consider. She and her husband have two young children, who are completely dependent on their parents to keep them safe. This woman smiled as she reflected on what a better place her marriage is in now. I asked what had made the difference, but she could not find the words. 

 

I suspect that if they had not made the commitment to be married, they would have split up. As it was, their promise threatened to snap under the pressure. Yet here they are, through the tunnel, enjoying the light. Now they are both able to see their children on more than just Christmas. 

1. Marriage and Caste in America- Separate and Unequal Families in Post-Marital America, Kay S. Hymowitz. page 5

2. ibid page 6

3. ibid page 10

Photo by Rachel Gardam

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