She seems discouraged.

 

But there is a significant shift in elevation between parroting their importance and taking off with them.

 

Just last night John seemed to want to talk. He sat down next to me while I was sewing and started recounting his day. I glanced over my shoulder at him, fabric pinned and ready for a seam. Theoretically I liked the idea of listening, but right now I was on a roll. It took effort to stop and look at him.

 

John Gottman suggests that partners make "bids" for our attention many times a day. It is a successful couple that responds to those bids more frequently than they ignore them. It might be an especially vocal sigh, heard from the other room.

 

"Something wrong, honey?"

 

Or it could be a gentle touch. Benjamin, whose interpersonal skills are limited by autism, has a subtle way to ask for attention. He pokes. 

 

"Pooooke!" he says, with a mischievous smile, just as his finger heads for my belly. This is friendliness at its peak. Once he chose the middle of a wedding to poke me. I used a whisper but I still poked back. To ignore him would be like telling the Pony Express Rider you are busy washing your hair.

 

I suppose relational bids never come when we are sitting primly on the couch, hands folded neatly, thinking on hold. Some of us covered that ground back in dating days. I remember staring at the phone, willing with all my might for it to ring. I was hesitant to go in another room lest I miss John's call.

 

Now that we are going full throttle with life, bids will always arrive as an interruption.

 

It is good to know tricks for inter couple dialogue. It is even better to get carried away with using them.

 

 

 

 

Photo by Chara Odhner

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