Daddies, on the other hand have the scrutiny of their wives to deal with as well as the unpredictable infant.

 

"Don't hold him like that! That is the wrong sweater, here use the white one. You put that onesie on backwards, no wonder it doesn't fit. No, no, sway side to side not up and down! You will make him throw up."

 

One time I was chatting with a new dad who had recently been scolded for his inept decision. This man was eager to do it right. He wanted to hold and enjoy his new baby, but his wife was pretty critical of his imperfections. He currently was carrying the hefty blame of putting on the blue pajamas."

 

It is easy to understand why feelings collide. Mom wants baby to be as well cared for as the Queen's Rose Garden. Never mind if her husband gets caught under the mower. He will bounce back. Baby is new at this life outside the womb thing, and is trying to give instant feedback. Dad is accustomed to feeling successful ... by his wife when they were dating, at work, on the golf course. Ineptness does not sit well, so he finds someplace else to be where he is less likely to get it wrong, like eating chips in front of a football game. Meanwhile the mom is irritated that he is less available than she expected when she was expecting. Imperfect or not, she still wants him to be her lackey. There is more to accomplish than she can possibly do even with her stellar multitasking skills.

 

I remember when I had to leave one of our toddlers for the weekend to go to my father's funeral. I was petrified at the possibilities for disaster. Admittedly John has an advanced degree, can translate three languages and knows pi to fifty digits, but he would not be able to supervise this small child for seventy two hours single handedly.

 

It was slightly shocking to come home and find, amid the piles of undone dishes and crumpled clothes, a very happy little boy and his daddy. So they were ok without me? How do I feel about that? Did I want them to be a pitiful mess? Well, sort of. They were delighted to have me back again, but it was a chance for the two of them to play by their own rules. I realized, perhaps for the first time, that John's role was not as a second class mother, but as a first rate dad.