Marriage Moats-Come In?

Published: Mon, 05/09/11

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

There are three words that can change the course of a conversation.

"Tell me more."

One time someone I love said that I was trying to get her money. I was appalled, and instantly defensive. Why in the world would she think such an outrageous thing? We had a long standing relationship, and I had previously felt safe telling her my unedited thoughts. But now, indignation erected a wall faster than a Jimmy Carter crew.

For two years I fed my hurt like a pet snake. It flourished.

"She said I wanted her money. I will never trust her again." My brick wall protected me from looking at what had actually happened in that fateful interchange.

Then the winds shifted, as God has a way of orchestrating when we are distracted. She and I were talking, not with the goal of reconciliation, or in search of an apology, but about the past. She described how her ex husband was at that time siphoning away all their reserves as they sold their house, and in the process had poisoned her thoughts.

"I thought everyone was trying to get my money but it was really just him." She recalled the painful period of her life, and her inability to cope with it. She did not ask for my forgiveness, but my need for her to expired like last year's mayonnaise.

What would have happened, if instead of locking my attention on the words, I had tried to find out her meaning.

"Tell me more."

She might have been able to messily construe how she felt threatened, and scared about the future. She was losing her marriage, her home and her identity in one fatal blow. Why did I jump on the train barreling out of her life too?

Sometimes we let clumsy words be the doors that lock people we love out. But they are better used as openings to invite each other in.

Photo by Andy Sullivan