Having a child with a disability has rocked my world. But rocking can be a good thing.

 

I can remember being inured to special needs. My mother was a special ed teacher before there was a name for it. She took the misfits into another room so the classroom teacher did not have to deal with them. She had not a lick of training, as there were no books or graduate courses, so she simply made it up. People were relieved to be able to ignore the problem and did not really care what she did with them. 

 

But unfortunately I did not inherit her compassion. It was her job, not mine, and I had to learn on my own time frame forty years later.

 

Last night I was angry at Benjamin. He threw a basket I love and broke it. I was mad and I stayed mad. I watched the rest of the family going about the business of life, laughing and making toast, while I was feeling sulky. Occasionally the twins asked if I was okay, and listened to my sob story for a minute, but really I was less riveting than the game they were playing.

 

He should not have thrown my basket. It was selfish and irresponsible. 

 

So what?

 

A disability is a lack of ability. He does not have the ability to handle frustration, any more than a blind person has the ability to see. I can get irritated at blind people, or deaf people. Or not.

 

All I really wanted, was someone to look in my eyes and say, "I am sorry he broke it. You loved that little basket and now it is gone. You are allowed to be sad. I still love you."

 

Some people have come to me wondering if their spouse has an inability. It can be difficulty in sharing their feelings, or communicating. Sometimes it looks like social awkwardness, or depression. Perhaps they are mad that the person they are married to is not as adept at kindness as they are. Except that in this situation they deserve to be unkind. Or not.

 

All they really want is someone to look in their eyes and say, "I am sorry your spouse cannot show you how they feel in a way that is easier to hear. They are broken, too. The dream you loved is gone. You are allowed to be sad. I still love you."

 

 

Photo by Chara Odhner