Marriage Moats-Graduation

Published: Sat, 05/21/11

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

Today is college graduation where I teach.

There are a slew of young adults who have reached a long term goal. It is contagious to see their excitement. They made a plan, years ago, and slogged or shimmied through the steps to get there.

It is part of the human experience to make plans, and to pursue them. Without that capacity we would wander more, own less. Young children do not make plans. They jump with both feet into whatever life offers. It is their mother who signs them up for ballet, or chooses where to go on vacation.

Recently John and I decided to hire a contractor to change the windows in a room that leaks a fair bit of heat in the winter, making it nippy and expensive. I started imagining new ways to enjoy the space, and can already feel the possibilities as well as the work.

Couples can make plans together. One time as we were winding up a marriage group we asked them to create a shared vision and bring it to our last meeting. They each arrived with a written document, and we asked them to read or describe it to the group, so we could support their goals. Everyone did, except one.

They seemed embarrassed, and sullen. We had built a strong sense of community in the weeks we had been meeting and everyone tried to make them feel safe enough to share it. But they refused. It left a sense of incompleteness to our final evening.

But a year later we were surprised to receive a letter from that couple. They had been too ashamed to read their goals because they seemed completely unattainable. Yet they had put them up where they could read them daily. Slowly, they started to move forward in making the dream a reality. They never told us what the plan was, but they did share their joy at achieving it. The couple even celebrated by going to a fancy hotel for the weekend, and toasting their success by the beach.

You can make a dream. Whether you are already married or not, whether you are content or frustrated, you have the capacity to imagine where you would like to be, in four years or forty. Quite likely the journey will include slogging, jumping, and doubt. But I invite you to go ahead and perch it on your wall where you can see it, and to make steps every day.

And if you let me come to your party I promise to bring a present.

Photo by Chara Odhner

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