Marriage Moats-Good News

Published: Sat, 12/25/10

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

The other day Benjamin and I were sitting side by side on the couch, each looking at a computer screen. I was working and he was watching a cartoon. Suddenly he covered my eyes. I was annoyed for an instant until I figured out that it was the scary part of the video.

He was protecting me.

This was poignant because he has autism. Autism is a condition that makes it hard to be empathetic since the part of the brain that can see things through another person's experience is foggy. This makes it difficult for Benjamin to understand how someone else is feeling. Hence emotions like jealousy and embarrassment don't show up. He has asked me what embarrassed means and I cannot figure out how to explain it to someone who does not get embarrassed. So I try to remind him that there is a rule, however silly, that we do not run around without clothes on when there are guests in the house.

Neither is Benjamin prone to lying. When you fib your thought process figures that if you say A the other person will think B which will result in C. That sequence leaves Benjamin at the starting gate. So when the twins were barely two and Aurelle came screeching to me that Ben had hit her, I asked him.

"Did you hit your sister?"

"No."

I went back to Aurelle with furrowed eyebrows.

"Well, his hand was near me."

There is a sweet simplicity around Benjamin. Lately he has graduated to holding two emotions at once without dropping one.

He will say "There is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that I sat nicely in church. The bad news is that there was no snack." He does care about snacks. The other day I found him Googling images for "snack table heaven". He wants to know the menu before he signs up to go.

There is good news and there is bad news in marriage. The good news is that we promised to love each other no matter what. The bad news is, that is hard to do.

Christmas is a time of good news and bad news. The good news is that the Lord was born. The bad news is that Herod tried to kill him.

One morning Benjamin woke up bursting to tell me something.

"I know who was always sad and never happy!"

"Who is that?" I asked.

"King Herod!"

Jesus was pretty adept at empathy. I guess you could say He invented it.

He has borne our grief, and carried our sorrows. Isaiah 53

There are times when I do not see my own selfishness. The violent thoughts are smashing around in my own brain, but I am not ready to see it quite yet, so God covers my eyes.

He wants to protect me.

I do not technically have autism, but sometimes my ability to see life through John's eyes lacks depth.

"Stepping on your toes does not hurt me, so why would it hurt you?" I wonder. Still I try to follow the rules, however silly, like to not disrespect him in public, or point out his mistakes.

I am not crystal clear about how to do this good wife thing. I do try to provide snacks every day. But some of the other details are foggy.

I will ask Benjamin to Google it for me.

Photo By Chara Odhner