Marriage Moats-Pieces

Published: Wed, 04/20/11

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

You are my glue. Without you, I'd be nothing but broken pieces.

-Miley Cyrus

There are many men who feel like this. The book Secrets of Happily Married Women tries to articulate it. Scott Haltzman interviewed hundreds of men who believe that their wives give meaning to their lives. They try to explain that going to work... is for her. Fixing things around the house... is for her. Staying faithful... is for her.

Some women had trouble with this. They claimed that the men would go to work and fix things anyway. But the men, struggling to mash their feelings into the uncomfortable girdle of words, said that it was not the same. Going to work because you love your family is different than simply going to work.

There is an invitation here, disguised as an impasse. Women can believe they already know how their husbands experience life, or they can be curious.

I have heard my own husband try to express this for years. I am still not sure I get it, but I have chosen to believe him. He needs me in an incredibly vulnerable way. The book also claims that if a man feels successful in his marriage and is failing in his job, he can face the challenge. But if he is successful in his job, yet is failing in his marriage, he can barely survive.

It is at once both incredible and terrifying to think that John needs me so deeply. Once he was telling me about his job review, and described the areas his boss felt he could improve. I waited. Surely he would ask me what I thought.

But he did not. Finally, unable to stay quiet, I asked if he wanted to know my suggestions.

Long pause.

"That would be too scary. My boss is my boss, but you are my life. I care what you think."

Am I worthy of such tenderness? Do I tread softly when there are human feelings afoot?

I have not always grasped the size and sharpness of the words I wield, but today... today I will be gentle.

Photo by Andy Sullivan