Marriage Moats-Blown Away

Published: Fri, 02/11/11

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

I have been stewing about something.

Thoughts about this conflict have seeped into my routine for a few weeks now, regurgitating and fermenting. Since there was never any new actual information, I went over old facts, gaining momentum as I went. I was angry.

I held on to my rightness like a shield, keeping me from seeing the issue from the other person's perspective. But the truth is, rightness at the cost of understanding is bitter.

I decided to try to find out more. I contacted the person I was obsessing about. No response. I tried various other people who might know more than me. No response. The silence was like air on my flame and kept it smoldering.

Then I did something novel. I prayed about it. I tried on humility, with the remote possibility that this person had a valid side of the story. Then, all at once I heard back from three people involved.

All three women spoke with compassion, yet told me what the experience had been like for them. Because I had spent so much time in Angstville, it was a relief to hear what my mistakes were. The list was, after all, finite. It had an end, and taken one at a time I could actually learn from them.

The obsessing simply blew away on the wind. I could actually think about other things now, like vacuuming. In its wake came gratitude... to these women for being willing to articulate the problems, for a chance to avoid those blunders in the future, for an opening to forgiveness.

Marriage is a place where mistakes show up. Regularly. We can see it as a string of things that shouldn't have happened at all, or a conveyor belt of opportunities to practice listening and changing.

I am grateful for this conflict. It made me look hard at myself, and to listen carefully.

Anger in isolation vs forgiveness in community.... tough call...

Photo by Chara Odhner