Marriage Moats-Tungsten Tiles

Published: Fri, 03/25/11

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

Everyone I know has a roof.

Some are slate, others are shake. In New Mexico flat adobe is popular. But whatever the material or color, every house has one.

This one is made of Tungsten, a resilient metal that also shows up in wedding rings. It has the highest melting point of any pure metal, a bold 6,192 degrees Fahrenheit as well as the highest tensile strength.

It is not considered rude to have walls and roofs, even though they do keep out people and rain. Architects incorporate windows and doors, but these too can be closed and even locked.

Marriage is a container for your love. It needs boundaries and edges, to keep people safe. I have heard of people who ignore boundaries. They blur the lines between relationships, giving too much intimacy away to too many people, withholding it from the one and only they promised long ago to love.

John has a book that I wish could get published one day. He talks about the differences between boundaries and barriers, which look alike but are completely different. He explores intimacy and enmeshment which are also deceptively similar yet are actually opposites. It has helped me unpack the tangled responses that wiggle their way into my life and perhaps yours.

Understanding boundaries helps me see what is my part of this relationship and what is not. Then I am not as prone to scurrying around trying to rescue John from his feelings. Barriers, however, keep us apart when closeness would feel much better, like when I bristle at the words "Can you find the tax information?"

Intimacy requires bravery to get within arm's reach, even though there are still bruises from past whacks. Enmeshment happens when you are all wrapped up in each other's business. One time my twins were curled up on the couch together. In an uncharacteristically rash moment, Aurelle saw the arm in front of her and thought it was Hope's. She bit. Aurelle howled in pain, but when her older sister came to offer comfort, she found it hard to muster sympathy. Enmeshment sometimes shows itself when we are trying to hurt the person we love, and end up biting ourselves.

Roofs are handy on a rainy night. Make sure yours has high tensile strength and purity. But when you close your doors and lock up the windows, keep your partner tucked inside with you.

Photo by Andy Sullivan