John and I were invited to lead a discussion with the senior religion class. Even the notion of being with a handful of girls on the brink of womanhood made me choke up. They were considering relationships, which is one of the things I obsess about. The other being quilts. 

 

I challenged them to name ten movies/fairy tales/tv shows that portray a good marriage. Admittedly my own twins held back, and refrained from hogging the conversation. But there were long pauses while the girls thought, and they only made it to five. This is no one's fault, and yet it leaves us with silence when we are trying to flesh out what marriage really looks like. We lack the stories that help us step into new roles. By contrast we have a multiplicity of stories about falling in love. This imbalance leaves us with the belief that the important part is finding someone, and after that we proceed on auto pilot. 

 

Which has not been my experience. 

 

I told them about a campaign created by the Catholic church a dozen years ago, where they put up billboards with a single question. Then they interviewed passersby for their reactions. 

 

"What have you done for your marriage today?"

 

The response from the public, if you can call it that, was mostly blank looks. Not only had they not considered the inquiry, they had certainly never answered it. 

 

We invited the girls to talk about something they excel at, like a sport or instrument, and how they achieved proficiency. The universal response was to practice. I suggested that the advice works for building relationships too. It is never too early to practice forgiveness, good listening, prayer, appreciation, and quality time. In fact they can begin such efforts now, long before they walk down the aisle. 

 

We described how mentoring works, and marriage groups. At the risk of short changing him we described John Gottman's research, and his capacity to predict in a matter of minutes whether a marriage will last. He bases his assumptions on measurable evidence of four relationship stoppers....criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. 

 

It was perhaps a lot to pack into an hour, and yet it left me feeling elated. I care about these girls, even the ones that aren't mine, and I sincerely pray for their future marriages.

 

Not the weddings, mind you. I will leave that to the vendors.