One of my pastimes during the quarantine is nature shows. The soothing voice of David Attenborough is my guide while exploring the forests of Siberia, and the rain forests of Costa Rica. Sometimes there are life and death scenes as the food chain plays out between a crocodile and a jaguar, or a zebra and a pride of big cats. With my hands gripped on the arms of the chair I cast a silent vote about who should eat or be eaten. It is often based on features like cuteness and fur. I always lean toward the babies. It seems the parenting instinct that was in play for forty years of raising children is not easily shut off. 

 

I am not always right by the way. Conquests I don't approve of prevail before the camera, though the directors spare us most of the gory scenes. It seems that the dynamics of prey and predators are intricate, entailing a myriad of factors not easily conveyed in a forty minute documentary. Plus my attention span is short. 

 

Lately I have become aware of the expectations I had about how the people in our home would react to the pandemic. Our youngest daughters have been shortchanged of the last term of senior year, and the culminating events that mark this rite of passage. I had therefore stockpiled a generous supply of compassion, in preparation for ranting or tears. Yet the twins have adjusted. Yes they are sad and will process the disappointment over time. But my empathy has stayed in the box. 

 

Benjamin's life has not been hugely different. He still watches videos about superheroes and kind redheaded girls, eats too many cookies and collects jokes. He takes out the trash as before and gets the occasional milkshake. But this past weekend he screamed as much as he had in the days leading up to hospitalization. There is a gash on his forehead from slamming it on the desk. We did not have the options we have had before distancing so we merely endured. John handled the lion's share. 

 

I do not for an instant think that our circumstances are more dire than other people all around me. They are not. But I did come awake to the fact that I had not predicted Benjamin would be so angry, and had no sympathy in reserve for him. Rather I was resentful. 

 

It reminds me that I orchestrate neither the animal kingdom nor the inner workings of my family. Someone who has been parenting for a long time and is eminently more qualified has that particular job. 

 

"Peace has within it confidence that the Lord provides all things, directs all things, and leads to an end that is good."

-Emanuel Swedenborg, Heavenly Secrets 8455