Today is the day we are supposed to be savvy at love. Cards are popular, as is chocolate. Flowers are a welcome gift as well. I bought two bouquets, not for my husband but for my twins. They were pleased.
The fanfare is showy, and tastes as good as dessert ever did. But what about the other 364 days? How do you keep a relationship nourished when both parties are flawed?
The Gottman institute has a
handy chart about ways to reboot after a snafu. There are six categories, each with a dozen possibilities- I Feel, I Need to Calm Down, Sorry, Stop Action, Get to Yes, and I Appreciate. It smacks of a menu at the Honey Cafe. Even perusing those headings makes my heart rate lower, and I am sitting in my favorite chair with my playlist on.
Articulating our feelings can be a timid step toward your partner with your white flag waving.
"I'm feeling blamed."
"I'm scared by your shouting."
"I'm sad that you are leaving."
The second category has enough material to make me want a conflict just so I can use them. Just kidding.
"Can you help me feel safe?"
"Can we take a break?"
"I would love a hug."
Bringing an apology into the fray can work like oil in an engine.
"Let me try that again more gently."
"Can you forgive me?"
"I can see my part in this."
The suggestions under Stop Action are pithy.
"I need a moment."
"I'm feeling flooded."
"Please don't withdraw."
The notion of Getting to Yes gives credence to the process. We are not identical beings, and discrepancies are inevitable. Valuable, even.
"I agree with part of what you are saying."
"You are starting to convince me."
"Can we compromise?"
The last category is the only one I can claim to have used with any regularity.
"One thing I admire about you is..."
"I am grateful for the way you..."
"I love you."
