Having someone who will listen is a Godsend. Just having a safe space to air my inner conflict, and get it out from between my ears goes a long way toward decluttering my thoughts. And feelings. 

 

Yet there are other instances when I actually need fresh strategies. The old ones are familiar, and somehow have not miraculously morphed from useless to life changing. The thirty seventh time I respond to a perceived injury with the same stale knee jerk comment does not improve on the first interaction. Imagine that. 

 

I read an article about communication snafus that resonated. Les and Leslie Parrot are marriage educators who try to help couples improve their chances of staying connected. They spelled out six steps, three of which I will relay here. 

 

Own Your Piece of the Pie

While I wish my conflicts with John could be sweetened with a slice of deep dish apple, they are talking about accountability. When my inner dialogue is on a repeating loop about my husband's flaws, pausing to give serious attention to my contribution to the problem is a game changer. I have caught myself berating him for the clothes and papers he leaves on the table, then notice that I conveniently overlook those belongings of mine that are scattered as well. 

 

Recognize Your Vulnerability

Being willing to acknowledge our weakness is a strength. Oxymoron that it is, when we can admit that we have needs, it unlocks the possibility of them being met. If we stand behind a veneer of competence, it keeps the people who love us from discovering our soft underbelly.

 

Look Beyond Your Pain to Your Partner's Pain

Egocentricity is not a friend to any relationship. Empathy is the antidote, and can bring down barriers faster than Joshua at the walls of Jericho. 

 

I am grateful to those friends who listen without giving advice. Yet I am also thankful for those rare times when I am receptive to a better way.