There is someone who keeps showing up in my dreams. The plot varies, but the bottom line hovers around my pathetic efforts to get her approval. My house is clean, my children well behaved, the meal is gourmet, and I can finally sail out of her disfavor on the wings of triumph. 

 

Then I wake up. 

 

How can I be stuck in an expired relationship? What tethers me to a critique that no longer matters... if it ever did? 

 

I wish there was a way I could snip any tethers that other people hang on to about what I might think. How can I reassure them that I am not on their jury? Instead I want to picture myself as one of those bystanders who hold out water at a marathon. Anyone can grab it, regardless of how fast or tired you are. I am not at the finish line, recording the time of each runner and evaluating the length of their stride.

 

The funny thing is that the woman I want to impress did have a cleaner house than me. Her meals were amazing. But that was not my gift then, nor is it now. 

 

Saying that out loud helps me see it for what it is. One of the interesting differences in life in how we spend our time. It's not that I was purposely boycotting vacuum cleaners, or rebelling against parsley on the edge of a crystal platter. I had a pack of small kids and just keeping them alive was enough of a workout for me.

 

My kids are mostly grown now, and there is still no garnish, but maybe that is okay. There are thirsty people all around me who need water.