Benjamin has a team of people who spend time with him. This is precisely the answer that came to me as I sobbed by his hospital bedside when he was five months old with severe failure to thrive. 

 

"He will be carried along on the wave of his family."

 

In addition to eight siblings that family has expanded to include teachers, therapists, doctors, behavior specialists and companions. 

 

The majority of those care givers have been stellar. Strong when I was hopeless, unflappable when I floundered. 

 

Last month I was asked to review the success of one of those women. I was a tad anxious about it, because the truth was I found her to be.... mediocre. I am generally not critical of these providers, and would never have lodged a complaint. But they asked. 

 

My low marks triggered a series of follow up conversations, and the upshot is, she no longer comes. 

 

Most days when she arrived Benjamin was just finishing his time with Jamie, who is his favorite. Often they would be laughing about some ridiculous joke, and then he would plunk down in his chair to be with the second woman, just as Jamie chuckled her way to her car. It was like going from third gear to neutral. 

 

Often I wished that their time could overlap, so that she could observe the magic that is Jamie. I could have tried to describe it, but that is like expecting the explanation of a song to be as good as hearing it. Or the notion that reading the stats is equivalent to watching a wrestling match. The loss is that she is in the early stages of a five year doctoral program. It is her life's goal to work with special needs people, and she could have absorbed things that aren't in a textbook. 

 

But that never happened.

 

In a few weeks we will launch another round of marriage mentoring quartets. This is a chance for younger couples to spend time with more mature ones. Isn't mature the right euphemism for old? Anyway, there are nuances that can be garnered from being in the presence of a couple that has been around the block a few times. I know I have. I can still see the smiles of my Aunt Louise and Uncle Frank, as they told the story of how they give each other presents. They each go out and buy what they want, and then write the other person's name on the card as the benefactor. It was their playful solution to a gnarly source of angst in their marriage. While we have not ourselves replicated it, I relished their willingness to laugh instead of grouse. That is a lesson I needed to learn. 

 

It helps me get closer to the melody of our relationship and away from the mat.