I read a list of suggestions for care givers. When the person you love has slipped into dementia, there are pitfalls. This can be hard to adjust to when your parent or spouse used to be more resilient.
Agree, don't argue.
Divert, don't reason.
Distract, don't shame.
Reassure, don't lecture.
Repeat, don't say "I told you".
Reinforce, don't force.
Encourage, don't condescend.
Say what they can do, not what they can't.
Listen without the need to correct.
Simple enough, in theory anyway. When framed like such a duality of perspectives, it does offer a chance to work with rather than against the person you care about. Come to think of it, these guidelines apply to a cranky four year old, or a rebellious teenager just as well. Also a spouse whose job has siphoned away their energy, or a neighbor whose child is in the hospital. In other words, most of us.
My daughter is into improv, and says that those performance tactics dovetail nicely for Alzheimer's patients. Plus it is heaps more fun than confrontation. I have watched her in action on stage with three friends who could spring any plot change on you in the course of a three minute sketch. Going with the flow when your partner leaps into unpredictable territory keeps you on your toes. Which is kind of the point.
"I'm going to Iceland today."
"Oh how exciting! Shall we pack your mittens?"
or
"I have a superpower you know. I can read minds."
"Wow, that is fabulous. Let's go to Atlantic City!"
Still I have no desire to minimize the enormous weight of memory loss. I both honor and respect the host of people who show up every day in the service of those who need them. If they speak to me about the struggle I will listen, not argue. If they ask for support I will offer it without a lecture. When they confide their discouragement I will be present.
