In sewing class the students tackle seams without a lot of guidance. I instruct them about right sides together, and the direction of the pins. But most of them can keep the needle a finger's width from the edge. 

 

They rely on me, though, when things get tangled. The other day a girl gave up quickly.

 

"It hates me," she said as she stood up to give me her chair. I feel a lot of loyalty to these machines. They work long hours, and hold fabric together for decades. In the case of the antique Star of Bethlehem in my living room, a century. I once heard a discussion on NPR about the most important machine invented and was surprised to hear them included in the top ten. But it's true. Hand work is lovely for small projects, but to clothe a population, machines are handy. 

 

I sat down to look. Most often it is a case of improper threading. I have gone over this but high school kids can forget. 
 

"See the thread is wound around the little pole?" I pointed it out. "That makes it pretty hard to flow evenly. Impossible, really." I unwound the spool from it's entrapment, and rethreaded it. "She doesn't hate you. She just needs a little attention to keep going."

 

The student softened. Felt less defensive about her struggle. Less critical too, I daresay. 

 

I am still ruminating on what a friend said last week. The person who had hurt him had circumstances too. Not excuses, but reasons. Ways we get tangled up, such that the love that God pours into us has trouble flowing through freely. 

 

One of the insights that has helped me understand snags in my marriage is the notion that shame is processed in the same portion of the male brain as pain. Fear, by contrast, shows up in female brains in the exact location that pain registers. At least that is what the research using MRIs indicates. We heard about it from Dr. Love, if you can believe that. While understanding your partner's physical experience does not expunge our reaction, it can bring compassion. Relationships do better without the added entanglement of defensiveness, and flak. 

 

But I tend to forget that.