The book I am reading about marriages where both partners describe themselves as very happy continues to be interesting. There is a chapter that deals with scorekeeping. For a long time that concept was a red flag for me. I had a tendency to keep tabs on what I had done, and therefore John owed me for it.
I took out the trash. He better bring the bins back. I got up with the sick child in the night. He needs to handle the morning rush.
But the author is talking about a whole different ball game. Very happy couples report that they keep tabs on what good things their spouse has contributed, and how it inspires them to be generous in return. As opposed to entitlement, they measure indebtedness. Not in a grovel on the ground kind of way, but beholden. Like when someone you weren't expecting invites you to a Christmas party.
Early in our marriage I suffered with asthma. It seems that the Florida propensity for daily rain triggered mold in a way my body had never been asked to handle. Until we figured things out John would have to pick up the slack of two little kids on top of his own job. I can still conjure up the feeling of watching him come in the door, blend me a smoothie with as many nutrients as he could grab, hand it to me in my chair where I was lethargically nursing the baby, and head back to the
office. It wasn't guilt, so much as a first cousin of gratitude. Thankful, yes, but with a momentum that made me want to reciprocate.
In the past few years I have noticed this shift. John sometimes gets Benjamin up, which is technically my turf. So I mentally look for an opportunity to make a meal he enjoys. Or he stayed up late washing pots, which motivates me to give more hugs.
The thing is when we are counting the blessings given to us, in the interest of giving back, it leaves less room for logging complaints.
