I went out to lunch with a friend. We have some serious history together, and it is not hard to find things to gab about. We both loved our years with nursing babies and toddlers at home. It seemed much simpler than raising young adults. 

 

At one point she said she had let go of expectations. If her husband helped around the house, great. If he didn't, she managed alone. If he went out to eat when they had talked about cutting back on spending, she didn't get worked up about it. 

 

"I'm not sure if he changed, or if I did, but there is a shift. I am not desperate to escape the way I was for years. I stayed for the sake of the children, and now I don't expect marriage to be perfect."

 

She told me about a mantra she has about accepting what is. Her demeanor was both strong and flexible. I had a sense that she had arrived at a kind of balance. It felt good to be in her presence. 

 

In the same conversation I whined about an expectation I had a firm grip on about my husband. I gave a convincing, (to me anyway) argument about how I was right and he had fallen short. 

 

Driving away I remembered her calm face. Did I really prefer to set standards for my husband, or to be grateful for what he does do willingly? 

 

She mentioned an article about how women can find fault with the efforts their husbands make to please them, and she admitted to having done that. The author went on to recalibrate her thinking, to notice the many ways her husband is faithful, hard working, forgiving and resourceful. 

 

I sighed. I too have been caught in the sticky web of never-quite-good-enough. 

 

I suppose there is no short cut to gratitude for what is. But it is a nice place to get to... eventually.