In the space of twenty four hours, I noticed two contrasting comments.

 

"He thinks too much of himself. Always drawing attention in his direction."

 

"He underestimates his abilities. Lacks confidence."

 

Both women were speaking candidly of men in their lives, and it left me wondering. Too much. Too little. How does anyone strike the middle road? 

 

John wrote a book about such questions. He calls it Paraboxes, and to unfairly confine it to four sentences, he suggests that many of the qualities that look the same, such as bragging and healthy self esteem, are actually different. Humility and self deprecation can also appear to be similar, but are in their essence polar opposites. The truly congruent attributes are the paradox... genuine humbleness and substantive self worth for example. Bragging is usually thinly veneered shame. 

 

Example A. For adorable. 

 

A little girl in my sewing class was working on her felted dog. I had shown her a pattern in one of my books, which she used as inspiration. 

 

"Mine looks even better than the picture," she noted without a shred of pompousness. Just the clean version of pride. Later, when it was time to thread and knot a needle, she asked for help.

 

"I'm not amazing at knots."

 

No groveling, no embarrassment. Just uncomplicated acceptance of her limitations. 

 

It's one of the reasons I enjoy little kids. They seem to get it right without the struggle we grown ups manage to knot it all up with.