Well that was a short run. The elderly woman I was asked to try to be a care giver for, the one who forgot she hated me, that one... she remembered. When I was in the background of the person training me, it didn't come up. But once we were alone together the feelings deep inside resurfaced. She said a string of sharp things, comments I could have rebutted with logic, but what would be the point of that? She hit me, with the force of a ninety three year old woman. Which is to say there are no bruises. 

 

As we drove along, because that was our task to do a quick run to the store to give her main care giver time to deal with the repairman back in her apartment, I gave up making cheery observations about the snow and the traffic. If she wanted to pretend she had not just belittled me, fine. I had no heart for it. 

 

My thoughts of self pity had their heyday for a few miles. Then I became mindful of friends whose lives entail a steady stream of criticism. Those whose partners, or parents, or bosses seem stuck on auto correct. I have in the past given brief consideration to what that is like. But as we drove around in silence it gave me time to hold them with love. I became aware of the constricted feelings in my body, and wondered what repercussions that might have for someone who is usually on the defensive. I was almost grateful for the brief chance to experience what is for some people a constant. 

 

A few days later the sting of her insults have melted like ice in the sun. But amazingly, the surge of compassion has not. Plus in those few days I was gifted with the chance to see the abundant kindness of the woman who tried to hire me. She honeyed her way through personal hygiene and confusion with respect and a smile. After breakfast she read a children's book, giving the elderly woman the chance to recite the rhyming repeats.

 

When I am feeble, I pray to have someone as gentle by my side.