On the day after Thanksgiving John and I set five baskets of fruit wrapped in crinkly paper in the car. Each one had a hand written card offering condolences to a family that had recently lost someone beloved. Then we headed out to deliver them.

 

Of course an armload of honeycrisps and bananas are a pathetic way to stop the dike of grief. Even a ripe pineapple seems like a small consolation for an empty chair at the table. Yet it was the inroad for us to knock, come in for a spell, and hear stories about what it is like to be left behind. 

 

One woman expressed her own surprise at how hard it is. It was not as if her husband of fifty years died without warning. Yet there seems to be no adequate rehearsal for loss. She moved his favorite chair out of the sunny spot in the living room, and let herself be in the light. I'm sure he doesn't mind. He has plenty of sunshine now. 

 

I asked whether her dear one has appeared in a dream. Disappointingly, no. It seems unbalanced, this inequity of missing. The person waking up in heaven has an inexhaustible expanse of possibilities. Vibrant health, even for those who were feeble. The most exquisite expressions of their inner loves are unleashed perhaps for the first time. How could they miss us, even as much as they love us? The children who wake up on Christmas morning to a bursting stocking of chocolate, and tumble of red surprises are not likely to be distracted by remembering how much they adore their mothers. Which they do. 

 

In the hours before my own mother died she had a few things to say.

 

 

"WOW! Amazing! Great! I can't believe it! You did THAT? I love you. 
Amazing. Did you know...Where am I? I don't believe it. I guess these 
are real. Is that the children? I'm feeling it did happen. We'd have tea parties, wonderful tea parties. I don't think I could do that. (laughing) You get a lot of 
nice relatives. How did you get such nice relatives? Wonderful aunts! 
You treated me well. WOW! You talked to Dad? (smiles) We communicate pretty well. What are we celebrating? Oh! Celebration party! Dear, dear , dear... He had chocolate cake. Where should I look when I am looking out the window? If I want to see cardinals where do I look? Is this a holiday? (repeat) A little too far away.... too far away... (laughs) I remember when they appeared... they first appeared on the first... I want to see you.... (smiles) I can't believe you're going to talk to me about this...cuz it's special... Do you think God 
will wake them up? Friend, friend, friend... Haven't done that 
before...Thank you! Good, good...Do I need that? I love that 
idea...Actually I think she was going. I guess I should say it's her 
birthday. Sunny, I love that. I really like that. Is she your friend? 
That's when she gets to be your friend. Did they live on a farm? They 
don't make farms like they used to. You're nice to hold my hand. What a thoughtful person... She's wonderful... It's amazing! I can't absorb that...I 
wonder if she got it... How could we dream it? Look how bright the sunshine is! You're giving me the tree side? There's that happy face. Good ol' Smiley... You're pretty smiley... Not quite ready to be unveiled...(laughed) She liked to do 
that. Such a wonderful expression. I've never seen that before. I'm doing a lot of sleeping. I have everything.."

 

Clearly the one gone is having more fun than the one still slumped in a wooden chair. Even if it is in an east facing window. But one day, we will be able to follow them, and the welcome will be sweeter than a thousand words can capture.