Marriage Moats-My World Just Got Better

Published: Thu, 11/29/12

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

It was an ordinary evening. Four couples in a living room, letting go of the stress of the day, smiling at each other's stories, listening deeply. It has been happening for years.

But last night was different. For the bulk of our decades of marriage groups, people are in it to enrich their own promises. They come for refueling, for mutual support, for good examples to follow. As the years progressed we fattened their pockets not with money but with tools. It's a good gig.

Yesterday, and for the past few months, there has been a shift. People are cramming in yet one more commitment in a long week of appointments for a new reason. They want to help other couples.

Because this is a community of mentors, I brought my own misgivings to the table.

"This week I met with a woman alone, which is not how mentoring is supposed to work yet since we could not get the four of us together it seemed like a second best option. But instead of feeling uplifted at the end of an hour, I felt flat. She complained about her husband for sixty minutes without letting up. I focused on empathic listening, and non judgment. A few times I tried to redirect the conversation, but failed. I don't think I served her."

The group responded with compassion, and ideas.

"Did you invite her to say any appreciations about her husband?"

"One of the things that happens when there are four of you is you can model better ways of treating each other. Next time you meet as couples you can show rather than tell how to speak kindly."

"Don't trivialize her complaints. It may be that they are a clue to a deeper value."

"Did you offer to pray for their marriage?"

"Maybe since you listened well and long you are earning her trust. Next time you get together you can lead in a better direction."

Collective wisdom was new for me. Of course John and I have been partners in this cause for ages, and his perspective has been like a rudder in choppy waters. But I cannot recall a time I had a Team Marriage.

I felt like the helium had been restored to my balloon.

Photo by Andy Sullivan

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