Marriage Moats-I'm Right Before I Begin

Published: Thu, 09/27/12

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

One of the four horsemen identified by John Gottman is defensiveness. He says it is a no go for relationships. I was not a quick sell on the idea. If you are duking it out with your spouse about an issue, defensiveness is essential. Who else is going to protect me?

But after ten years of trying it on for size it finally fits. I think I grew into it.

I used to erect my scaffolding at the first snarky word. If John claimed to have said something in an email, and it did not jive with my memory I would go back and check the email. Being right was more important than what John heard and certainly trumped how he felt.

When my launch pad is "I Am Right Before We Begin" it is counter productive to waste energy finding out how life looks from John's standpoint. My rightness stands on the back of his wrongness. There is not room for two rights inside my siege.

I suppose the trouble with defending myself is the underlying assumption that he is the enemy from whom I need to barricade myself. This is not compatible with the covenant we began with.

Yesterday he was frustrated about an area in which Benjamin continues to fail. My knee jerk response was to throw up reasons why it is not my fault. But I held my tongue and listened. I heard weariness. In the absence of defensiveness I felt a desire to work with him. Today I will try.

Photo by Jenny Stein

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