That subtle clue helped me on my faltering path toward CHOP and a diagnosis of autism. It felt devastating at the time. I asked five close friends to come be with me while I cried, railed against life, mourned the child who would never be, and began to accept the little boy who is. Yet it made sense too. If I call Benjamin normal, he is a loser. But if I look at him in the context of his challenges, he is a rock star.

 

Doors creaked open as I read books, listened to therapists, watched his teachers. He is my seventh child, yet the terrain was all new. I needed to feel my way in this unlit corridor.

 

I noticed that in those early years when his teachers talked to me they would do convoluted verbal gymnastics to avoid using the dreaded A word. Finally I reassured them.

 

"You can say autism. I won't cry."

 

Sometimes people bristle at the idea that divorce hurts children. I struggle with whether to mention it or not. But having a better understanding of the repercussions can change our expectations. Children who are anxious about bouncing between houses may respond in ways that are annoying if you lump them with kids from intact families. But if you can hold them as children whose world has just split in half we stand a better chance of giving them a foothold.

 

Photo by Kat Gatti

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