When I am at odds with John, my core fear is that he does not love me. I feel far away from him, or abandoned. It can be a knee jerk response to the teensy detail that he just walked away mid sentence. It can feel scary to see the back of his head when I want to look into his eyes. But in the presence of criticism from me he reverts to protecting himself. He gets out of target range. 

 

For Men Only is one of many books that suggests a simple tactic. If you need to retreat from your spouse to cool down, to think or to untangle from the escalating argument, it helps if you promise to come back.

 

"I am angry now but we can talk tonight."

 

"I can't handle this. I will call you later."

 

It reminds me of the flickering promise the sun tosses back to me, just as she slips below the surface. Even though she leaves me alone in the blackness of night, if I watch carefully I can see the shimmer of her light bouncing back to me from her ambassador, the moon. 

 

"Wait for me. I will return. I still love you. Before your eyes are opened, I will again shine on your hair tossed pillow."