Marriage Moats- Pass the Buck- Part 9
Published: Sat, 06/09/12
| Marriage Moats | Caring for Marriage | ||||
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 The four of them got together at an outdoor cafe. The weather was getting warmer and Larry continued to have them meet in different spaces. As the cold drinks clinked in their glasses, they each had a chance to be heard with a simple How Are You?. Harvey had had a rough week at work and was in a sullen mood. Mona was feeling stressed about the wedding plans, and about how distant she felt from Harvey. Marjorie was back from helping with her new grandchild and was exuberant about having spent a week with her daughter. Larry listened attentively to each of them and then launched into the afternoon's topic.
"Have either of you ever been to the circus?" Larry asked out of the blue.
"Yes, I went when I was six. I never forgot the elephants and the high wire walkers. They were so brave!" Mona gushed. Harvey glared at her. He wished she would gush about him.
"What was brave about them?" Marjorie smiled in her inviting way.
"Well, there is no net! It takes incredible courage to walk fifty feet in the air," Mona wrinkled her brows.
"Many couples walk out on the high wire without a net." Larry said enigmatically. "You no doubt know the statistics around marital success."
Harvey was not in the mood for riddles. "What are you getting at? There is no wire," he scoffed.
"Our society sets couples up to fail. Instead of despairing that half of the marriages split, I am astounded that half succeed." Marjorie cast her loving glance at Harvey. She felt no irritation at him, only compassion.
"But ALL of the marriages you perform thrive. Is that right, Larry?" Mona asked. Her eyes seemed very blue in her earnestness.
"That is right, Mona. But it is not because I am spectacular, or the couples who come to us are more deserving. It is because we give them a net. Seven, in fact."
Harvey was annoyed at the metaphor. "Get to the point." He pulled his chair farther from the three of them.
"If an acrobat is crossing the wire, and slips, and there is a net, what happens?" Larry looked at Mona.
"He or she climbs back up and tries again I guess."
"Right. Are they a failure as an acrobat if they fall?" Marjorie looked gently at Harvey.
He was starting to listen more out of skepticism than genuine interest. But he was listening.
"What are you getting at, Marjorie?" Mona was confused about the connection.
"Our society offers no net for marriage. If a couple is struggling and they fall, there are no structures in place to catch them. We are trying to change that."
Mona and Harvey were silent. Marjorie explained. "If the couples in our care fall, there are seven nets in place long before they even start to lose their balance. Their parents are one. Because of the original contract, parents are welcomed into the marriage as a support team. They need to learn how to not interfere, but you gave yours permission to help when you invited them to sign the agreement. Then there is the mentor couple. They are part of a couple's life, part of your life, long before any troubles emerge. They will be paying attention and can help small problems not balloon into big ones." Harvey turned his body toward Mona. Larry took up the baton. "Next is the marriage fund, and the equity you are accruing for your own safety. Intertwined with that money are the habits that you will develop each time you put a dollar into the jar."
"I remember. Prayer, going to church, going on dates and..." Mona's voice trailed off.
"Apologizing," Harvey said before he could stop himself. He did have a good memory. Then he realized the irony of how he was behaving. "I'm sorry for snapping. hon." He turned toward Mona. Marjorie was sure it involved behavior that had transpired even before they sat down together. Mona laid her head on his shoulder.
Larry took a dollar bill from his wallet and placed it in front of Harvey. "This one is on me."
Harvey tried to hide a smile. "What are the other nets in place?" He took Mona's hand and she closed her eyes in gratitude.
"The Valentine's Day banquet is a net, in that it is a way to sense the joy of a happy relationship. If you are already doing well, it adds to it. If joy is scarce, it brings those feelings back." Marjorie watched the younger couple for signs that it made sense. They were nodding.
"I like the idea of being part of a celebration. I want our marriage to be happy, and to be woven into the happiness of other couples too." Mona liked parties. She had already thought about what she would wear.
"There is the monthly meeting with your small group of couples. They too will feel the pulse of how your marriage is doing. Although the group is not geared at solving issues, it is primed to help you enjoy each other. That diminishes the urgency of at least some problems," Marjorie added.
Harvey was taking notes on his iPhone. "That makes six nets. There is one more."
"Good man, Harvey. You are absolutely correct. The last one is social media."
to be continued
Photo by Andy Sullivan
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