A friend was reminiscing about how her relationship has ripened. A few years ago she was less than content. When the time came in our marriage group to appreciate our partner, she found the task unpalatable. Complaining came more easily. Whenever her husband traveled for work, she wanted him to call her, but the conversation was sometimes prickly. She labeled herself "uncallable". Looking back she wondered why he even tried.

But now things between them are much more comfortable. He still travels, and they have found their routines. When he calls, which he does often, it is a sweet connection. Not surprisingly, he is more inclined to pick up the phone than he was a few years ago. 

I remembered that period in my own marriage when John walking in the door triggered not a hug of welcome, but a tirade about everything that went wrong that day. I saved it up for him, like the inedible ends of vegetables when I prepare a stir fry. Such things belong in the compost, not on my husband's dinner plate. 

Recently we had a house guest. A boy from France stayed here as an exchange program, and we were all pleasant and accommodating. We had nice dinners, drove him to activities cheerfully, and expressed our pleasure in having him in our home. It would never, ever have occurred to me to criticize him for forgetting to clear his glass. 

While it would be hard to sustain such efforts every moment of every day, maybe I could pretend that John is a guest, say once a week?