There are people who have security cameras in their driveways. Others aim them on their babies at night, so they can check in. When I was a chicken keeper I considered setting one up to discover what was hunting my birds. But not many people turn on the video when they argue. Living though it once is more than enough. 

Still it can be entertaining, illuminating in a macabre way, to watch someone else quarrel. There is a Monty Python sketch where someone pays for the privilege of conflict. Their ping pong of dialogue is funny, but only because it is not us. When I am on one side of the dispute, it is not amusing. It is maddening. 

Watching what such hammering actually looks like is one step toward choosing differently. There are more productive ways to engage with the people we share this life with. 

Being able to cleanly articulate what someone else believes is a strategy to short circuit the bickering. Speak in a way that lets them feel understood. Put your own position on hold, like a blouse on the clearance rack that you can come back for later if you still want it. Ask the person you love if you got it right, and be willing to keep trying. In my experience that effort alone opens the door between me and my debating partner, or at least renders it transparent. 

Then sometimes I find that I am less inclined to go back for my old opinion anyway. It doesn't fit so well anymore.