Mark Carlson is a marriage and family counselor. He identifies seven ways we tend to violate each other's "microboundaries" in our everyday conversations by talking about another person's life or experience as we might talk about our own. He noticed in counseling sessions that "whenever partner A talked to partner B about any aspect of B's internal
state it brought up anger." He has observed that most anger in relationships arises when one person makes judgments, observations or comments about the other in these areas:
- Thoughts
- Opinions
- Beliefs
- Intentions
- Feelings
- Physical Experiences
- Family of Origin
Mark gives some examples of ways in which we violate these microboundaries.
- Saying, "I know how you feel."
- Speaking for the other
person
- Commands beginning, "You must..." or "You need to..."
- Forbidding anything
- Moralizing, preaching, making spiritual judgments
- Saying, "You always..." or "You never..."
- Negating or contradicting
- Not allowing a person to change inwardly
- Predicting their future inner state or reactions
- Minimizing or denigrating another's pain
- Expecting others to know your inner thoughts or desires
- Telling the other how they think,
feel or intend
You can listen to Rev. Carlson speak about these "microboundaries" online at
Or if you happen to live in the Philly area you are invited to hear him talk in person on April 3rd at the
Bryn Athyn Church. Understanding each other's need for space goes a long way toward keeping us close too.
