It was only a few bucks on Amazon. Ten Lessons to Transform your Marriage has been a rich read. The current chapter is about accepting influence. The philosophy behind the Japanese martial arts form Aikido is "yield to win". Allowing your partner to modify your behavior actually increases your power. Oxymoronic, I know. 

The other night I was rewatching an episode of West Wing where the president elect bends to his wife's wishes. He is a broad shouldered man, yet he is wise enough to know, even days after he has been chosen as the leader of the free world, to respond to his wife. She in turn becomes even more staunchly his supporter. 

The style of the book is to include the dialogue of couples before and after spending time with Julie and John Gottman. For couples who have a history of being resistant, it takes a conscious effort to release the breaks.

Here are some of the Aikidoesque responses:

It is the antithesis of defensiveness. Which is an interesting strategy for martial arts, let alone a conflictual relationship. But maybe it rests on the underlying truth that when biceps and triceps cooperate, the whole arm is stronger. If two people on one swing push each other where they want to go, they both reach the sky.